movin' on

sometimes i feel as if satan is sitting right next to me telling me things. for some reason, at this point in my life his voice seems louder than God's. i know that my relationship hasnt been what it should be, but is it that bad?

I've dealt with my ghosts and I've faced all my demons
Finally content with a past I regret
I've found you find strength in your moments of weakness
For once I'm at peace with myself
I've been burdened with blame,trapped in the past for too long
I'm movin' on

I've lived in this place and I know all the faces
Each one is different but they're always the same
They mean me no harm but it's time that I face it
They'll never allow me to change

But I never dreamed home would end up where I don't belong
I'm movin' on
I'm movin' on

At last I can see life has been patiently waiting for me
And I know there's no guarantees, but I'm not alone

There comes a time in everyone's life
When all you can see are the years passing by
And I have made up my mind that those days are gone

I sold what I could and packed what I couldn't
Stopped to fill up on my way out of town
I've loved like I should but lived like I shouldn't
I had to lose everything to find out

Maybe forgiveness will find me somewhere down this road

I'm movin' on
I'm movin' on
I'm movin' on

lost and found

ever been looking for something so hard and no knowing why you cant find it? maybe its that you're searching a little too hard. its like when you lose your keys and then you stop, think about where you saw them last, then go looking again, that’s when you normally find them. [or you just wait and you randomly find them in the freezer one day]. that’s the way it is with life sometimes. you search for something so hard, and you get aggravated that you cant find what you're looking for, when...all this time, all you had to do was sit back and wait, not look for it any longer...then you find it. weird huh? just a though. i was thinking about that today-wanted to share it

"life isnt about the breaths we take, but about the moments that take our breath away"

isnt it crazy how someone can walk into a room, and take your breath away?

side note: i am so grateful for the people that God has placed in my life here. I was thinking about that most of the day today. Some people have come and gone from my life since Ive lived here, but others have stuck it out. ALthough I may feel like Im a burden to them, I know that they love me no matter what. No matter how much I have to ask of them, or how annoyed they may get with me. They are people who will stick with me through anything. Friends for a lifetime. Some of them I would consider as close as family. I knew God would help me with this, its something that I struggled with the first few months I was here. Im glad I finally realized that I am blessed...all you have to do is look around and find those blessings.

side note #2: I know this is from a dumb movie, but its something else that kinda spoke to me...weird have things can speak to you...even though, lets say....southpark =D

MOVIE: EVAN ALMIGHTY...Let me ask you something. If someone prays for patience, you think God gives them patience? Or does he give them the opportunity to be patient? If he prayed for courage, does God give him courage, or does he give him opportunities to be courageous? If someone prayed for the family to be closer, do you think God zaps them with warm fuzzy feelings, or does he give them opportunities to love each other?

If you pray to draw closer to God, does He sit right next to you?--HE ALREADY IS! but, He more importantly gives you the chance to get closer to Him

we're going back to the future!!!......

Have you ever had a dream that you didn’t want to wake up from? Maybe one where you wanted to see what happened next? well, this is the first time this has happened to me [at least that I know of or that mattered in my life]. i had a dream that things were the way they used to be. a couple of years ago, i screwed up. the biggest screw up that i will possibly ever make. i know, i still make them, but this one very well could have the most impact on my life than any other one ever will. Welp, in my dream, things were the way they used to be. before anything bad happened and i got to fix what had happened, to right a wrong. it was amazing. it only lasted for a few minutes, but i could feel my face smile in my sleep [as goofy as i know i looked] and--anyways, it was weirdly awesome.

the thing is though, i have walked away with a very important lesson over the last few years. see, that mistake that i made, came at a cost. i went thought such a heartbreak, so many tears, so many months of depression. now I’m changed because of it. i think about this a lot, especially when the dark man himself tries to come after me. he knows this is one of my biggest weaknesses. you see, I’m so changed because of this event, that now i wonder....what would my life be like if i went back in time and then fixed it, then came back? have you ever seen back to the future 2 where they *surprise* go to the future but Biff steals the time machine and goes to the past, and it alters the entire world?!?! [p.s. i love that movie] and i think that is exactly how my life would be like if i went from now to the past, fixed things....then came back. my life would be in chaos.

so, as hard as it may seem. and as stupid as i feel for wishing this, I’m grateful that I’m here and for what I’ve brought from it. the battle is no way near over! but everyday, i know that I’m in the potters hands....he can fix my head when it gets broken off. =]

Grief is proportional to intimacy

This phrase, given to me by a "beautiful" man of god (his wife would understand and agree with that) has been ringing through my spirit lately. And its popping up everywhere! I was talking with my hairdresser yesterday-yes, ppl really do that-what else do you have to do while you sit there for an hour? And we were talking about relationships and how even with dating/friendships-whatever, how you carry something with you from each one of them. I've been dealing with that a lot lately. How much people affect you. It can be either good or bad. I've never been one against dating. I've done my fair share of it. Some have been healthy, others have definitely not been. From each of those I have walked away with something. Something either good or bad. I've realized that with the help of each of them I have discovered what I am looking for in my future. I have a list. My "husband list". As crazy as it is, its things that I look at with any guy I find myself interested in. Some guys I know as soon as I start a conversation and others I discover later. Call me too picky but by this point I know what I'm looking for and I'm just waiting for God to bring him across my path. The same goes with friendships. I've had my fair share of those too. The thing is, with those, they seem to hold me back rather than move me forward. See, if you have someone who is your best friend, you are with them till the end...and once that end comes, you walk out more broken and scarred than before. I guess that's the difference. You want to hold ppl at arms length and not let anyone in. You try to cover your pain with jokes and sarcasm because you know that if you don’t, people will see your brokenness and once they have seen that part of you, you have failed and let yet another person in. why is it that you get attached to the one person you cant have? Man, I wish that was different. I wish that wasn’t the case, but I don’t think that will change….I kinda hope it doesn’t.

Smile- lonestar
I still remember the night we met
You said you loved my smile
But your love for me was like a summer breeze
Oh, it lasted for a while I could hold on a little tighter I know
But when you love someone you gotta let 'em go so

So I'm gonna smile
'Cause I want to make you happy
Laugh, so you can't see me cry
I'm gonna let you go in style
And even if it kills me I'm gonna smile

Superchick / Wishes

The saddest thing is you could be anything, that you could want.
We could've been everything, but now we're not.
Now it's not anything at all.
The hardest part was getting this close to you
And giving up this dream I built with you.
A fairy tale that isn't coming true.
You've got some growing up to do.

*CHORUS*
I wish we could have worked it out.
I wish I didn't have these doubts,
I wish I didn't have to wonder just what you are doing now.
I wish I didn't know inside
That it won't work out for you and I.
I wish that I could stop this wishing and just say my last goodbye.

After all the things you put me through,
Tell me why I'm still in love with you.
And why am I, why am I still waiting for your call?
You broke my heart; I'm taking it back from you.
And taking back the life I gave to you.
Life goes on before and after you.
I've got some growing up to do.

*CHORUS*
It's time I say my last goodbye.
Goodbye, Goodbye,
It's time I say my last goodbye.

I wish we could have worked it out.
I wish I didn't have these doubts,
I wish I didn't have to wonder just what you are doing now.
I wish I didn't know inside
That it won't work out for you and I.
I wish that I could stop this wishing and
Just say my last goodbye

Its time I said my last goodbye.
Goodbye, Goodbye, It's time I say my last goodbye.
Its time I said my last goodbye.
Goodbye, Goodbye, It's time I say my last goodbye.