Grief is proportional to intimacy

This phrase, given to me by a "beautiful" man of god (his wife would understand and agree with that) has been ringing through my spirit lately. And its popping up everywhere! I was talking with my hairdresser yesterday-yes, ppl really do that-what else do you have to do while you sit there for an hour? And we were talking about relationships and how even with dating/friendships-whatever, how you carry something with you from each one of them. I've been dealing with that a lot lately. How much people affect you. It can be either good or bad. I've never been one against dating. I've done my fair share of it. Some have been healthy, others have definitely not been. From each of those I have walked away with something. Something either good or bad. I've realized that with the help of each of them I have discovered what I am looking for in my future. I have a list. My "husband list". As crazy as it is, its things that I look at with any guy I find myself interested in. Some guys I know as soon as I start a conversation and others I discover later. Call me too picky but by this point I know what I'm looking for and I'm just waiting for God to bring him across my path. The same goes with friendships. I've had my fair share of those too. The thing is, with those, they seem to hold me back rather than move me forward. See, if you have someone who is your best friend, you are with them till the end...and once that end comes, you walk out more broken and scarred than before. I guess that's the difference. You want to hold ppl at arms length and not let anyone in. You try to cover your pain with jokes and sarcasm because you know that if you don’t, people will see your brokenness and once they have seen that part of you, you have failed and let yet another person in. why is it that you get attached to the one person you cant have? Man, I wish that was different. I wish that wasn’t the case, but I don’t think that will change….I kinda hope it doesn’t.

Smile- lonestar
I still remember the night we met
You said you loved my smile
But your love for me was like a summer breeze
Oh, it lasted for a while I could hold on a little tighter I know
But when you love someone you gotta let 'em go so

So I'm gonna smile
'Cause I want to make you happy
Laugh, so you can't see me cry
I'm gonna let you go in style
And even if it kills me I'm gonna smile